Saint Valentine and his girlfriend, Dorothea. Photo by The Rev Steve via Flickr (http://bit.ly/1dCh3vq)

Saint Valentine and his girlfriend, Dorothea. Photo by The Rev Steve via Flickr (http://bit.ly/1dCh3vq)

We all know St. Valentine was killed in 1648 when, after signing the Peace of Westphalia, Ferdinand III drowned him in a sea of red roses. His soul, aka “Cupid,” rose like a phoenix from the rose petals and came in a dream to young John G. Hallmark of Brooklyn, NY, some years later. Thus, the day we celebrate every year–St. Valentine’s Death and Soul’s Resurrection Day. Some pagans have shortened it to “Valentine’s Day,” which is a sin, but we’ll let that go for now and explore the only five acceptable movies to watch this — or any — February 14th.

1. Ri¢hie Ri¢h

Richie is the richest kid in the world, and nothing says Valentine’s Day like a GPS in your bedroom that will locate your dad, wherever he is. But wait! What to do when you hear “Dad not found?” Enlist the help of your butler and the poor kids down the street. A chase of Hitchcockian proportions ensues on the family’s “Mount Richmore,” and Macaulay Culkin takes his dad’s company back from an evil John Larroquette. Swoon.

2. Good Morning Vietnam

This is mostly a cross-cultural love story. I had to go to the bathroom during one scene, but I heard the strains of Louis Armstrong singing “What a Wonderful World.” It doesn’t get much more romantic than that! Something happens with Robin Williams and his love interest…maybe they get in a fight? Or is that The Quiet American? I don’t know, but really, it’s so sweet.

3. Some Like it Hot

This is a movie about girlfriends on the road! Girl power! Lots of women are on the road, playing in a band in Florida (although they actually go to the Hotel del Coronado, in San Diego). The tie-in here is twofold: Marilyn Monroe, whose middle name was “Valentine,” and the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre! They called it St. back then because people were more religious. So, Jamie Lee Curtis’s dad and that guy from Grumpier Old Men witness this massacre in a gross garage, and they decide to get outta dodge by dressing as women and joining an all-girls band. So far so good, but it’s hard out there for two men attracted to Marilyn Monroe! In all seriousness, it does have one of the best ending lines in a movie of all time:

4. An Affair to Remember

George Clooney meets Debra Messing on a boat. His grandmother is really cute, but then they return to New York and there are no cell phones, so they can’t call each other! Debra Messing tries to meet Clooney (or is it Tom Hanks?) at the top of the Empire State building, but she is in a terrible accident and ends up in a wheelchair! Clooney visits her at home and ALMOST LEAVES until he realizes that the reason she didn’t get up from the couch is that she is paralyzed. He strokes her red hair and then you cry and cry and cry, because sometimes life is really sweet, you know?

5. Freaks

This is the most accepting group of people on earth. But don’t take my word for it! Check out this scene:

One of us! How nice is that? As someone once wrote, Everyone’s Normal Til You Get to Know Them. We’ve all got a little freak inside us. And what better day to recognize that than the day of St. Valentine himself?

 

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