Cliven Bundy, aside from having a great name for a rancher, is a bit of an old-fashioned guy. In a New York Times profile on Wednesday, Bundy made some remarks you may have heard about by now:
“I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro,” he said…“[b]ecause they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do?” he asked. “They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”
So, I got to wondering — what else might Cliven Bundy wonder? What other entertaining pearls of wisdom might he have been hiding on his Nevada ranch all these years? I spoke with him via telekinesis, a little-known mode of purely mental communication*:
*That is not a real thing. I did not actually speak with Cliven Bundy; this is all pure conjecture on my part.
“I wonder if the unicorns were here, we wouldn’t have to have a militia. Their horns contain magical powder, like gun powder. We could send them out to fight for us and detonate their horns, BOOM goes the dynamite! But Noah forgot the unicorns, and they’ve all turned into narwhals and we don’t really go to war in the ocean anymore.”
“You know, if the band TLC was still together, there would be no gay men anywhere. That Lisa Left Eye was smokin’ hot.”
“I wonder if Barack Obama would have made it in the NBA.”
“I don’t think a football would be a very good Christmas gift. I want anofficial Red Ryder carbine action 200-range-shot model air rifle!”