Are you there, God? It’s me, Laura.
I just heard about this new Exodus movie, and I’ve got a few questions. Have you seen it? Here’s the trailer.
Okay, now that you’ve seen it, there are some things I need to know.
– Why was everyone so white in the Middle East in Bible times? It just seems like a recipe for sunburn, you know?
– Have you forgiven Christian Bale yet for his outburst on the set of Terminator Salvation?
– Have you forgiven Christian Bale for Terminator Salvation?
– Okay, jokes aside. Why does every movie trailer have like seventy production company labels in front of it now? Just more companies involved? Hollywood law change? I really would like to know.
– Does Baal make a guest appearance in the film? (note to self: make Christian Baal joke?)
– Was Joshua really hot? I mean, like Aaron Paul hot? He’s a little short, but still. This Joshua can march around my walls any day of the week!
– When will someone make a really good movie out of 2 Kings 2:23-25? Elijah “went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, ‘Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!’ When he turned round and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. From there he went on to Mount Carmel, and then returned to Samaria.”
– Did Ridley Scott’s friends ever tease him by saying “RIDLEY me this”? Because if not, I feel like they missed a great opportunity.
– When will someone make a movie out of Leviticus? Shellfish laws and stoning people to death could be really avant-garde in that old sort of way. A Sundance darling for sure.
– Are we done with Bible movies yet? Can we please be done with Bible movies? I think we have reached or possibly exceeded some sort of quota, and I hope you don’t punish us for that but at the same time if you do, I’d understand. You know what would be really great? A sequel to The Heat.